Crawling Out

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“You must know His hand in the everyday and that, in the end, is how you will find your way.” – Jessica, HNGR intern in India

Days have merged into weeks and the weeks have seamlessly created a month. Then two months. Now I find myself a third of a way through a six month journey. In some respects it seems like I have been in Nairobi forever, taking my taxi into work, chatting with the women at the Amani cafe every morning, always finishing homework at the last minute, and having the pleasure of experiencing blossoming relationships with all different types of people. On the other hand I have no idea where the last month has gone. Trying to recall the events, the emotions, the moments that give me joy, and the moments that are painful have all culminated into a great big stew where it is hard to pick out all of the individual ingredients.

Currently, I find myself in a strange position with my orientation with Amani Kenya almost at a close but my journey to Liberia not yet started. Initially I expected to be in Liberia by now with my “real” internship underway. Instead I am still in Nairobi with no official word on when I am leaving. It has been somewhat frustrating being in place with no defined role, yet at the same time the thought of leaving grows harder and harder. Relationships have been made, a church has become “my” church, and the modern conveniences that Nairobi offers are becoming more and more apparent, especially the more I hear about Liberia. 

It is so easy to get caught up in things like this. To withdraw from my context and to forget the big picture. Back in January when I attended Passion I was battling feelings of fear at the thought of doing HNGR. Fear sometimes has the tendency of creeping in through the cracks unnoticed in small increments, until one day you realize that your joy is gone. The speakers at Passion somehow triggered a recognition of how petty my fears were and the extent to which they had captured my imagination and held captive my trust in the Lord. It was there that I realized that HNGR was not about me. It is not about what I get from all of this or even how uncomfortable my situation may be. It is about the God who so lovingly created each one of us and who has His hand over all of our journeys whether that is teaching elementary school in Mississippi, about to start school in the fall, taking care of little ones at home, or going to the same workplace for the thirtieth year in a row. I think that might be one of the most overwhelming parts of this trip. That it doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. What matters is that God is there waiting for me to crawl out of myself into a life that celebrates His workmanship and His joy. It provides for a much more exciting life than always being concerned with how everything is affecting me.

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